Limbo Kitty

Last night I realized that part of my foot dragging about accomplishing various tasks is based upon enjoying some elements of the current limbo state that Wolf and I are in. It's not without its stressors, to be sure, but until we/I commit to the final moment, the one where my car pulls out and leaves, headed for another state, until then, I/we can continue to bask in what's good about right now.

There is a lot that is good about right now. Among other things, we are communicating at an incredible level. Are we mind-melding? No. But we are looking and listening and hearing and loving. We are holding space for each other and for each other's deep experience. We are the most intimate of friends, even while continuing to unwind the threads of our relationship, even while continuing the process of separating. Once I leave, there's no turning back.

Right now it is kind of like we're gestating in a womb (with a view).

Right now, I 'get' the Buffy speech about cookie dough. It is a safe bet that mine is overrun with nuts, if my feelings are any indicator.

The other piece that came up yesterday is that once I leave here I will be homeless. My very first sense of Home, as an adult, came with the apartment I had before moving in with Wolf. I lived there for one year. Something just clicked and I knew that I understood Home and could create it for myself. Then, Wolf and I moved in together and suddenly, my sense of Home both expanded and deepened. We did good Home. Even during the nearly, and ultimately, unendurable stress of the past two years, there has been a sense of sanctuary here. And even during the impossible pain of acknowledging and transitioning, Wolf has come home to me and I have come home to him. When I drive away, we both lose that.

Wolf will craft his first ever solo Home. I think that's crucial. Everyone needs the confidence that brings. Only the knowledge that one can create Home for oneself makes it possible to merge Homes with someone else without fear of subsumation. It was hard for Wolf to feel entirely equal on the Home front, at first, because he'd never not lived in someone else's home. So, even though we moved into this house together, that identity lingered for him. My heartfelt wish is that he experiences the cozy glory of his own Homeness. It is apparent to me and is part and parcel of what has been a nurturing nest for the past four + years.

As for me, I have to put my Home on hold. Or reduce it to the contents of a box. I'm moving in with my mom and stepdad for an indefinite period of time. If I was going to guess, I'd say it'll be a couple of years. Maybe because I'm a Cancer, maybe because I am me, the idea of living without Home after having had it is sadder and lonelier than I can articulate. I live from Home; it's what gives me the courage to go out into the world and explore. All of the amazing things that people tell me about myself are the result of that dynamic.

A couple of weeks ago, I thought that the loss of Home was solely about the loss of Wolf. That's definitely a major chunk, but there is something else that is more personal: my Home is being lost, not just our Home.

Related to this, I am feeling even more grateful for my new (to me) vehicle. The one I traded in was one that had been purchased solely within the context of this relationship. If the truth of my life is that I am driving away from the partner relationship with Wolf and into my next new solo trek, then I need to be doing that in a vehicle that is only about me. Our vehicles can be friends, just as we are, and I think it isn't coincidental that they ended up being the same make and color (though different models and shades) and that the color is one that neither of us would have considered previously. Mirrors are everywhere and if you are, as I am, a person who manifests powerfully, sometimes they are comedic in their obviousness. Thank God for that because right about now, I can use a good laugh.

~M

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