Found out yesterday morning that BD (my grandfather) received a terminal diagnosis. He has bone cancer pretty much everywhere: skull, ribs, spine, wrists, etc. It's the thing he's been waiting for for all of my adult life, it seems. Nevertheless, I'm sure he's scared and overwhelmed. Often, I've heard people say that they'd like to know how they were going to die, because then they could just go about their business. I have to think that actually discovering the mechanism of one's own death is much harder to take in than that. Kind of like reading the end of a book first because you think you can't stand to not know what happens and then losing your appetite for reading the rest of it once that's accomplished.

I'm in a tough situation regarding BD. We were quite close for several years. Then, last Spring, he asked my mom about my sexuality. I'd never volunteered the fact that I'm gay to him because he had such a hard time dealing with it when he discovered that my uncle is gay. I had a feeling he suspected, and had decided to tell the truth if he asked. I'd instructed my family that they didn't have to lie and could either opt to answer the question or direct him to me. I don't know what conversational events led to the question. Perhaps my mom made some reference to Wolf. Or perhaps he'd been waiting to ask. It doesn't matter. His response was less than sunny and our relationship has been in the toilet ever since. He's never made mention of it to me, but his phone calls ceased entirely for a while, and then moved on to:
"Do you still have a job?"
"Yes, BD."
"Are you ever going to pay me the rest of the money you owe me?"
"Yes, BD. I've paid you $1200 and owe you $800."
"Well, I'm not getting any younger."
"I know, BD. Nor am I."
"I don't know why you haven't paid me back in full yet."
"BD, you know I was laid off for more than a year total in over the past three years, and that I'm now working for half wages, remember? I'm doing my best."
"Well, all I know is that you owe me $800."

Have I mentioned that he's a millionaire? That I borrowed the money when I was turned down by Mutual of Omaha for Long Term Disability coverage, despite the fact that I was unable to walk or work and dealing with a raging bone infection when I borrowed $2,000 from him? That I've spent many times $800 going to take care of him at various points over the past decade? I'm not ducking the debt, but I do feel a bit harrassed.

Anyway, he's made it clear that he's not interested in me beyond money and whether or not I've shipped family tree information to my brother. It hurts my heart so much to not have the relationship we used to have. I want to reach out to him in this difficult time and I feel inhibited by fear that he'll use me as a dumping ground. I guess I'll write rather than call. I guess I'm a chicken.

But mostly, I'm really sad.

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