Hard Times. Good Times.

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is the most important. And sometimes, when you make yourself do it anyway, you can actually feel yourself growing up in real time.

Today, Wolf and I faced the last big hurdle prior to actually physically saying good-bye when Grace and I drive away. More dialogue will need to happen because it wasn't something that could be completed in one shot, but I think the hardest part was starting it and facing each other while we did. It was challenging to stay present, not give in to my little girl fears, stand up for myself when I felt like I was on the receiving end of stuff that didn't belong to me, stay open to his reality, etc. But, we both tried hard and we got through the difficult conversation. I also have the pride of knowing that I stayed true to my commitment to do right by Wolf and by myself, despite my fears.

I can't express how much it means to me to know that even under exceptionally tough circumstances, I can remain compassionate, fair, reasonable, moral, and not have those things occlude or minimize my value or my truth. That is major growth for me. My old pattern was to cave, to sublimate my needs or reality in deference to someone else's discomfort (because, of course, if it was making the other person uncomfortable, it must be wrong). Though I think I'm pretty bright, generally speaking, I'm at a loss to explain how come it took me so long to learn this one. Somehow I kept thinking that it might work. I'm happy to report that I seem to have grown past that particular illusion. Now I get that no one is served if I make myself unimportant or even just less important in a situation where I'm supposed to be equal. I won't say it doesn't feel awkward to claim this because it does. Thankfully, I am blessed with several wise people in my life who give me good feedback, help me gain clarity, offer me loving reality checks when I'm off track, etc. I also am learning to trust my own wisdom about stuff and that feels good, too.

Getting through this initial dialogue validates who I've been in our relationship and what kind of friend I'll likely be as we move forward in that direction. It's nice to feel proud of that woman. She's pretty special.

~M

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