Strange Truth

Has anyone else ever noticed that you never see Anna Nicole Smith and Ann Coulter in the same place, at the same time?


~M

Copyright 2002 Seasmoke All rights reserved.

Leaving the von Trapp's Party

Have you ever stayed affiliated with a group (of friends, of professionals, of sea-faring wood nymphs) far past the point at which you were receiving any noticeable benefit from the connection? I have.

Today, I ended one such affiliation. The dynamic of it really surprised me. So much trepidation and second-guessing beforehand. So complete the relief and grin and huge cosmic YES! afterward. Maybe I need to rent clues more often. Do you suppose I can get a bulk discount?

Speaking of bulk, the weight I've battled all my life has achieved a steady victory since the injuries I mentioned before. The diet + exercise formula is not working. Instead, my clever and adaptable metabolism is lowering it's 'set point' in a steady arc with my dieting attempts. I've even gained weight on 900 calories per day. SOOOOOOooooooo, I'm thinking about getting this thing called an Adjustable Gastric Band (see more about it). Seems like a great tool that would give me the edge I need.

Satiety triggers chemical and hormonal reactions that are missing when you diet. So, conceivably, my set point would stop doing it's merry downward dance. Since I don't have an emotional eating disorder or anything like that, I think this might be a viable option. It would be great to avoid lapsing further into the distorted self-image that comes with being overweight in America. I'm not lazy, unmotivated, or undisciplined. I'm not ignorant, deceitful, or addicted to junk food. I just process food differently than some and cannot exercise as effectively as I could pre-injuries. We'll see.

Since health insurance is not in my immediate future, I'll have to seek creative funding sources. Something to think about, anyway.

~M

Copyright 2002 Seasmoke All rights reserved.

Welcome Matthew!

Ah, the Pity Party for One ended abruptly. My sister went into unexpectedly early labour (only eight days early but her first two kids were two weeks late, so she was really surprised). The baby initiated the labour because the umbilical cord had fashioned itself into a decidedly UNcomfy cravat. Things were touch and go for a while, including the fact that my sister was bleeding very heavily. The baby was fortunate to have avoided serious brain damage and did not aspirate the yucky stuff. He only has a minor heart issue that will be monitored over the next several years and will probably take care of itself. My sister is fine. The baby was released from the NICU last night and they will go home together tomorrow morning.

Remember what I said about Mr. Toad's Wild Ride? Believe it.

Copyright 2002 Seasmoke All rights reserved.

I'm Sorry ... So Sorry

I don't have health insurance. I am fully employed. I do not qualify for state-subsidized insurance because I make too much money. Of course, if I worked at McDonald's I'd make too much money, so that's not saying much. My employer told me when I was hired last September that he expected to have health insurance available by October. I love my job. But, it's been two years since I had a pap smear (among other things) and I'd like to see a doctor. Some days, I can put it out of my mind. Days like today, it has me totally freaked out.

I'm already struggling financially in the wake of major injuries I sustained in 1997. I was out of work for more than a year and my long term disability (Mutual of Omaha) decided that though I was in a wheelchair and dealing with a resistent bone infection, I should be back at work and disallowed my claim. After the fact, I found out that this is their M.O. because fewer than a third of customers have the emotional energy or support to appeal. They pay almost all appeals. This approach saves them tons of money. I experienced a recovery that surprised everyone but me and I'm deeply grateful. Moreover, the experience has been a tremendous catalyst in my life. Words cannot express how fortunate I feel.

Meanwhile, every day, I'm one illness or false step from bankruptcy, while being fully employed. Only in America.

Copyright 2002 Seasmoke All rights reserved

Bend Like a Willow

Ah life. Or should it be Life? I'm telling you. Every now and then it feels like Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.

Right now my honey is navigating heavy seas and because they echo waters I've sailed, I can feel my feet sinking in the treacherous sand of an inbound tide. It's ok when one or the other of us is in need of a boost. But with both of us treading deep water and watching for the next wave, each of us has moments of feeling stranded and alone. It's more consuming for her than for me because this is her first trip and mine is merely a vivid memory.

Cellular memory is a humbling and under-appreciated fact of human life.

I've got tools and skills and faith born of experience. I'm ok. She's ok and doesn't know it. We'll be fine, better even. She'll emerge amazed at what she's survived, able to take pride in how much she's learned and all of the new skills she's developed. We'll have more language in common. Her increased capacity for joy will bring us into better harmony.

For now, I'd like a nap, please.

Copyright 2002 Seasmoke All rights reserved

Sense of Self

Why is my writing so awkward and self-conscious here? When I write letters, I don't have that problem.

A new and dear friend introduced me to a book that I'm treasuring these days. It was written in the '80s by J Ruth Gendler and it's called "The Book of Qualities". In it, she anthropomorphizes aspects of character or emotion. They're like fairies for the Self-Help generation.

Here's a quote about Courage:
Courage has roots. She sleeps on a futon on the floor and lives close to the ground . Courage looks you straight in the eye. She is not impressed with powertrippers, and she knows first aid. Courage is not afraid to weep. and she is not afraid to pray, even when she is not sure who she is praying to. When courage walks it is clear that she has made the journey from loneliness to solitude. The people who told me she is stern were not lying; they just forgot to mention she is kind.

On Perfection:
Perfection is careful but not cautious. She burned her hands many times before she learned to pay attention. She says that hers is the most difficult job in the world. The post was vacant for nearly three years. Most people do not even make it past the first interview and retirement is mandatory after nine years. About halfway through the fifth year Perfection started feeling like she was falling apart and dissolving into space. This recent episode humbled her. She had never realized how strongly we resist being broken open. She discovered that her greatest strengths grew out of her strongest weaknesses. Perfection needs to keep moving. Otherwise she becomes swollen with her obsessions. She has learned to dance into the very center of her fears. She is not impressed by false modesty and the fronts we develop to hide our beauty. She is grieved by how fiercely we hate ourselves and yet refuse to change. She honors our flaws.

What's not to love about that?

Copyright 2002 Seasmoke All rights reserved
J. Ruth Gendler's stuff belongs to her

Who's the Fairest of Them All?

What are the things on my mind today? "Fairness", for one. What's the deal with it? We teach small children how important it is to be "fair". Then, once they have that concept down, we break the news that life is not fair, or--when the devoted instructors are glass-half-full types--that it is seldom fair. Why bother? Seems like a set-up for disappointment, possibly even angst.

Personally, I like the idea of dismissing fair. It's only useful as a comparative and there are many better options. Of course, this idea needs some work. It doesn't apply to every situation. There's a dissertation's worth of contemplation to be done regarding how "fair" and "equal" are and are not the same. Anyone looking for a topic?

Meanwhile, I'll continue to marvel at how unfair relationships are when they are healthy. Or how long a clock one has to set up in hopes of proving otherwise. And then, I'll take a break, lean back in my chair, look out throught the window at the ocean, and wonder why it matters.

Copyright 2002 Seasmoke All rights reserved

Tuesday in No Man's Land

This is my first blog entry and it's mostly meant to give me something to manipulate while I learn the ins and outs of using this site. Not the greatest reading opportunity unless you're a fan of cult classics like, "A History of Masking Tape in Eleven Concise Volumes". If you are, you have just stumbled into a pleasuredome without peer. If not, please keep the yawning to a minimum. I find it addictive. The yawning, I mean. *yawwwwwwwwwwwwnnnnnnnnnn*

Copyright 2002 Seasmoke All rights reserved.