There are lots of bits of writing that I do in various places about elements of my life. I think I'm going to start posting some of them here. It should help create a more cohesive picture. Apologies to those who will read them twice, as a result. I'll do some minor editing to make the re-posts fit this context. Here's the first one:
Work has gotten intensely busy, therapy is excellent but taking a lot of energy right now, Wolf is going through some equally excellent but really challenging stuff, money is like a Chinese puzzle box these days (tough to figure out). I'm generally not online outside of work much lately.
An unexpected and kind of nice result is that I'm being missed on a message board I frequent. *small blush* Who knew? I'm being missed in general and also as a "voice of reason" amid the recent spate of hurtfull flaming.
It's true, I don't follow the conflict threads as consistently, anymore. I felt like I ran the risk of coming off as ... I dunno, totally arrogant and bossy? Also, to be complete, I'll share that my life has enough challenging conflict in it right now and my instinct is toward innocence, tenderness, and peace. My temper is too easily ignited when I'm feeling this vulnerable and am sounding new inner landscapes. To illustrate the wisdom of this change of habit, I'll share a story...
The other night at CVS, some random woman heard one comment from a conversation I was having with Wolf, decided it was about the sales clerk (it wasn't) and went off on me. It was insane. Normally, I'd have just waited till she finished ranting and then calmly said, "You are mistaken. If you would like to have a civil conversation with me, I can clear up your misunderstanding. If not, then please cease speaking to me." Instead, in my current taxed state I said, "OK. First, you're wrong. Second, stop fucking yelling at me. Third, you have your child with you; how about modeling some grown up behaviour?"
Of course, she didn't like that and gabbled on, yelling at me. I said, "Go ahead. Keep calling me a liar. You'll still be wrong. I wasn't commenting on or to the sales clerk. You are making an incorrect assumption. You are wrong. And instead of accepting it, you're trying to yell me down. And you're still wrong. I pray to God that your child has the benefit of wiser teachers in his life." Not my highest moment. I mean, what did her kid have to do with anything? I was trying to hurt her so she'd back off. Nice, eh? Wolf just stood there with her jaw dropped. She'd never seen me go off like that. If I ever have before, it was when I was a kid.
I'm over it, but I hope I never 'go there' again. I was ready for Springer. When we got into the car, Wolf looked at me and said something like, "Aggro much?"
The woman left CVS and the clerk said, "Just so you know, I didn't think you were talking aboout me. That woman was wrong. And she was rude--if anyone was embarrassing me, she was. And I'd be pissed off, too, in your position. I'm sorry you had to deal with that." It was nice of her, if unnecessary.
Wolf and I went on to our next stop, the grocery store. We only needed milk and eggs, so we didn't bother with a cart. As we entered, who was in front of us? Yes, it was the same woman, this time standin at the deli counter. I walked up and said, "You might be interested to know that after you left, the sales clerk apologized for your behaviour and assurred us that she hadn't thought I was talking about her. Moreover, she said that you embarrassed her. So, the truth is you assumed how two people felt and what they thought and you were wrong on both counts. While I won't hold my breath waiting for an apology, I'm getting some satisfaction from letting you know, again, that you were wrong."
She gave me an arch look and said, "No, I know you were talking about her and she didn't say that to you."
I said, "Lady, you are still wrong and still calling me a liar. It's fine if you need to hold on to that in order to feel good about yourself, but... you're wrong. And rude." Then, to her son, "Kid, I hope you've got some more sane grown ups in your life, cos your mom is crazy." At that point, I walked away.
It was like I was possessed. I could not let the issue drop as long as she was insisting she knew better than I what I was talking about or intending. Nuts, right?
The good news is that she gave as good as she got; meaning, that I wasn't beating up on someone weaker. She continued to insist that I was lying. It doesn't mean that it makes it ok that I was so over the top, but at least I don't have to add "bully" to the list of my transgressions during that episode.
So, when I saw my therapist I told her about it and said, "What is going on with me that I would act like that?" We came up with the theory that it was a fledgling attempt to not cave in when someone is accusing me of stuff that isn't true, that it's a sign that I'm not afraid of my own anger anymore and am learning to incorporate it. (Accent on "learning".)
I think that has some merit. I have never gone off on someone like that before. Never. In the past, when someone attributed motives or itentions to me that were false, I'd feel panicked and scared and confused and trapped. I would keep trying to explain myself, basically pleading to be understood. Not pretty.
The mechanics of that began in childhood. My homelife was... ermm... well, let's put it this way: when I told "trusted adults" what was happening at home, they told me I was exaggerating--when, in fact, I was downplaying the truth--and that I should be more grateful. Apparently, they found this easier than contemplating what it would mean if I was telling the truth. As such things tend to do, the pattern continued in other settings in which the power dynamic was uneven.
In the present, via effort, faith, healing, and being in my first 'for real' relationship, I've started getting acquainted with my anger--though usually only the 'nice' forms: irritation, being pissed off, annoyance, etc. This thing with the woman in the store is the first time I ever faced someone who was trying to tell me that I was thinking or feeling something I wasn't and did it with a powerful angry response. Not my first choice for excellent ways to be in the world, but still a watershed moment.
In addition to the vicissitudes of growing up in my home, like many women, I grew up believing that anger was unwomanly unless in defense of a child or some other defenseless being. And so the inner lava lake of anger was ... I dunno ... bestowed some weird personal mythology, including that if I let it out, it would consume me, everything around me, and most of Western Civilization, as well. During the last ten years, I've befriended every other dark emotion. I'm down with fear, loneliness, pain, grief, longing, shame, etc. Anger is the last to enter my embrace and a sign of impending wholeness, I think. So, while I regret saying that crap about her child, all in all, I'm looking at that event as an important milemarker; not something I need to repeat, but a place I needed to get.
Oh, one more thing that came up was I was not loving the way she was treating her child prior to the confrontation. He was asking for attention and without even bothering to find out what he wanted or needed, she told him to be quiet. That bugs the crap out of me. Why bother having children if you are going to offer them so little respect? One nice thing I can say about my own parents is that they never treated us in that dismissive fashion. (Another nice thing I can about them is that they did their very best and I love them for it.)
Returning to the topic of online flame wars, needless to say, gratuitous conflict situations are really not a great place for me to be just now. Of course, sometimes I can't resist them. It hurts my heart watching people tearing at each other's flesh and I can tend to go into panicked peacemaker mode, or whatever you want to call it. I also think, though, that there are plenty of people other folks who are great at that and who care so much! I figure they can hold down the fort.
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