"Mirrors, sure, but who's looking for reflection?"

This past few days has offered up a jumbled, but connected series of mirrors for me. In some of them, I look distorted; in others my image is quite lovely. And, from all of them, there is learning to receive and assimilate.

A new twist is that some of the mirrors are almost entirely external. For example, I listened to someone else lay out quite plainly the reasons he was going to ask his employer to make a certain decision about his (my friend's) compensation. Chief among them was an acknowledgment of his investment and contribution over the past three years. He pointed out the personal sacrifices he made in the name of helping to build something. The reason he'd been willing to make those kinds of sacrifices and investments was because the talk in the company had been about being a team, pooling assets and liabilities, and doing what needed doing in order to succeed. So, while the undertaking was voluntary, it was based on a hope of pay-off even while it was assumed that hard times would be shared. He talked about his value.

He didn't ask to have all of the past deficit made whole; the company is in no shape to do that at this time. What he did ask was that the enormity and disproportionately large degree of his contribution be a fundamental factor in any decisions made about his compensation now. And, of course, if the company does make good, he stands to benefit in a way that outstrips his early investments. That will not diminish their importance; merely make them that much sweeter.

His boss didn't remember one particular point the way that two other people present did, and didn't quite hit the mark my friend requested, but he came damn close. It was clear that he absolutely did think that my friend's past contributions were relevant to the present. Because, of course, they are.

In listening to him, I suddenly realized how perfectly that parallels something in my own life. In fact, I used it as an example to communicate my point of view. I can only hope that the person to whom I presented my case responds as favorably as my friend's boss did. In both cases, there is fear to be overcome and a needed willingness to look at things from the point of view of the person who is making the request. The good news is that I think that the person I asked is equal to that and more. So, we'll see.

~M


Copyright 2004 Seasmoke All rights reserved

Hard Times. Good Times.

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is the most important. And sometimes, when you make yourself do it anyway, you can actually feel yourself growing up in real time.

Today, Wolf and I faced the last big hurdle prior to actually physically saying good-bye when Grace and I drive away. More dialogue will need to happen because it wasn't something that could be completed in one shot, but I think the hardest part was starting it and facing each other while we did. It was challenging to stay present, not give in to my little girl fears, stand up for myself when I felt like I was on the receiving end of stuff that didn't belong to me, stay open to his reality, etc. But, we both tried hard and we got through the difficult conversation. I also have the pride of knowing that I stayed true to my commitment to do right by Wolf and by myself, despite my fears.

I can't express how much it means to me to know that even under exceptionally tough circumstances, I can remain compassionate, fair, reasonable, moral, and not have those things occlude or minimize my value or my truth. That is major growth for me. My old pattern was to cave, to sublimate my needs or reality in deference to someone else's discomfort (because, of course, if it was making the other person uncomfortable, it must be wrong). Though I think I'm pretty bright, generally speaking, I'm at a loss to explain how come it took me so long to learn this one. Somehow I kept thinking that it might work. I'm happy to report that I seem to have grown past that particular illusion. Now I get that no one is served if I make myself unimportant or even just less important in a situation where I'm supposed to be equal. I won't say it doesn't feel awkward to claim this because it does. Thankfully, I am blessed with several wise people in my life who give me good feedback, help me gain clarity, offer me loving reality checks when I'm off track, etc. I also am learning to trust my own wisdom about stuff and that feels good, too.

Getting through this initial dialogue validates who I've been in our relationship and what kind of friend I'll likely be as we move forward in that direction. It's nice to feel proud of that woman. She's pretty special.

~M

Copyright 2004 Seasmoke All rights reserved